My mother passed away the end of last month. For the prior 16 months she had lived with me and I’d been her caretaker. Mother was 87 and suffered from COPD, among other problems. She died in her sleep and did not appear distressed. I called the Hospice people and they came out and took over. They also helped me contact the funeral home. The support and caring I received was wonderful. One of the magics of the day was that all of us here were women, even those who came from the funeral home. It seemed fitting. Women have traditionally been the ones to handle death and dying and this was no different.

Since then I’ve been feeling quite empty. Yes, some of that has to do with the ongoing depression I’ve been suffering for the past couple years, but it was more than that. I hadn’t realized just how much Mother had taken over my life during those 16 months. Although I often struggled against it, the truth is that she had been the focus of my life. And now she was gone. She is gone. I did some crying that day, but since then, I haven’t. I can’t really say that I’m grieving. My relationship with my mother had never been close. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel much pain with her passing. Just emptiness.

I don’t think I have anything profound to say in this posting. Just my experience. Is there anything a writer can take away from my experience? I don’t know. It does bother me when I’m watching crime shows on tv and the detective makes comments about people’s reactions to the death of the victim. My mother died of natural causes and maybe that’s partly why I haven’t reacted very strongly. Still, I don’t think it should be assumed that if a person doesn’t display strong emotion, then they become a strong suspect. Different people react to death in different ways.

Reactions to events depend on a variety of factors. What is the event? A death? How did the death occur? What, if anything, did the person see? I saw my mother laying in been, her mouth slightly open, looking much like she did the night before. I knew she was sick and dying, though I hadn’t expected her death so soon. So, if you have a character who had been expecting the victim’s death, perhaps he/she wouldn’t react as strongly. Also, if there are no signs of trauma, seeing the body may not be as distressing.

Perhaps the most salient factor in a person’s reaction to death is the character of the character. If you have a character who always tries to be in control and present as calm, intelligent, professional, then this character might not show much reaction. When I went to the funeral home a couple days later, I was calm, in control, etc. Just as I always try to present myself. There was a moment, however, when I became aware of this presentation and it cracked. Just for a moment. And then I was back to being in control.

Of course, the nature of the relationship is also important when contemplating how a character would react to the death of the victim. When my father died, I reacted much more strongly. I hadn’t expected it, wasn’t there. And my relationship with my father was emotionally much closer, even if troubled.

Bottom line? Beware of stereotypes of grief and the assumptions we often make. Let the reaction of your character flow from who he or she is.